My First Enlightenment Intensive

A personal account by Barry McGuinness

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WHEN I FIRST SAW an ad for an Enlightenment Intensive, I was pretty sceptical.

‘An opportunity,’ it said, ‘to experience the change in state of consciousness traditionally known as enlightenment’—in just three days! There had to be a catch. I thought it was supposed to take decades, even lifetimes, to reach such a state. 

It also said that this retreat was all about seeking to discover who you really are. Well, that certainly resonated. At this point in my life, I was literally anxious to know myself.

This was the Summer of 1991. Since turning thirty a few months earlier, I had started having heart palpitations and ongoing anxiety.

I wasn’t sure what was causing it, but on the advice of my then wife I started attending meditation classes at the local Buddhist Centre, hoping that it would help me to relax. I might even learn what was causing me to be so anxious.

In fact, what I discovered was that I’d been in an identity crisis since my teens. I had never known who I was, or who I’m supposed to be. Outwardly, I presented a well-rehearsed, ‘cool dude’ persona. But inwardly I saw myself as a shy, nervous imposter, with a very dark shadow.

Now, having reached the age of thirty, the inner conflict was getting overwhelming. I reckoned it was time I stopped playing games and found my true self—even though I seriouly doubted that such a thing existed. 

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I gathered that the Enlightenment Intensive format was like a cross between a zen meditation retreat and an intensive therapy group, combining non-stop contemplation with one-to-one communication exercises.

Participants spend the entire three days contemplating a question like ‘Who am I?’, and from time to time communicate to partners what they became aware of as a result. 

The communication bit worried me. As a complete newcomer to the growth field, I had no experience of counselling or therapy (despite being a psychologist), and I was unused to sharing my thoughts and feelings with complete strangers. I did like the idea of contemplating who I am, however. 

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During the three days of the retreat, I found myself, like everybody else, going through all manner of stuff—anxiety, amusement, boredom, frustration, happiness, grief. 

On the first day, I was mostly affected by the orderliness of the situation—the lack of everyday distractions, like TV. It’s amazing how interesting wallpaper can seem once the inward search begins to bite! Without the support of the group structure as a constant reminder, I know I wouldn’t have had the willpower to stay with the technique.

Some people soon wanted to leave, but the master assured us that resistances will come and go all the time. I just resolved to see it through and to give it my best shot. 

On the second day, it was more like taking the lid off my unconscious. I had all sorts of spontaneous memories, feelings, images, fantasies, as did others in the group. Seeing others taking risks to say what was really going on for them was, for me, incredibly inspiring, and I began to feel very close to several in the group, despite (or because of?) the formalities.

That second day was also the noisiest—there was screaming, shouting, hysterical laughter, yet all the time we remained sitting respectfully in our neat rows! 

On the third day there was a calmer, more ‘studious’ atmosphere. A warm trust had developed within the group, and almost everyone was by now well into the process. 

At some point during the third morning, I found that when I closed my eyes to contemplate who I am, I could see a distant gravestone. When I closed my eyes a second time, this gravestone was closer to me. And when I closed my eyes for a third time, the gravestone was close enough for me to read the name on it: it was my name.  

I began to shake and breathe heavily. It was as if my unconscious was showing exactly what I needed to face right now––the fact that one day I'm going to die. This was something which I found terrifying. The last thing I wanted to do was to confront that fear … so here it was, bang on cue. 

I continued shaking, panting and weeping loudly as I communicated all this to my current partner, but I finally got it out. Then suddenly it was time for lunch, and the whole thing was behind me. 

It was during lunch that I had the most amazing experience of my life. 

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As I picked up a piece of lettuce with my fork, there suddenly came upon me a timeless state in which I just knew who I was. It was as if I had momentarily caught myself in the act of being who I really am, who I always was and will be, who I cannot not be. 

It was so obvious, yet mysterious. So extraordinary, yet perfectly ordinary. I now knew that who I am is real. In fact, who I am is integral to the very fabric of reality. And with that, I stood up and started laughing uncontrollably. 

On hearing my outbreak of hysteria, a monitor swiftly appeared from nowhere and stood in front of me, looking straight into my eyes with a warm, open expression. An invitation to tell her who I am, to communicate my realisation to her. 

As I did so, I really understood why communication is the key to this process. In simply declaring who I truly am, that moment of absolute knowing returned, leaving me so awestruck and humbled by its reality that my rational mind could never deny the experience. 

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I have since read of people having spontaneous and totally unexpected mystical experiences. One moment they are out walking the dog, the next moment they are in blissful union with ... well, whatever. Then moments later they are back to normal, only now their lives have been changed for good. I had just experienced something of this sort. 

And somehow, despite all my efforts over three days, I hadn't made it happen. It had just suddenly landed on me, like an act of grace.

I later learned that this is exactly how these ‘direct experiences’ usually happen. I also learned that about a third of the group on this retreat had had their own direct experiences, some deeper and clearer than others, and that this is par for the course on Enlightenment Intensives. 

Since that first one, I have taken numerous more Enlightenment Intensives. As a result of being blessed with more and more encounters with truth, my initial scepticism has given way to a deepening spirituality grounded in joyful, absolute knowing. 

BARRY